THE SLIPPING-AWAY TIME: Lessons Learned by Carlos
Photography by Fran Collin
It’s very important to face the fact that this isn’t only a problem of caring for that other person, but: how am I going to take care of myself as well. Otherwise, you’ll end up not being able to help anyone. Looking back, I think maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much time living with my mother because she got too comfortable having me around. I’m not professionally trained and I’m too emotionally involved. It would have been cheaper to hire someone and be able to go to work, but my mother wouldn’t have that.
My advice is to realize the person isn’t going to get better, will forget who you are, develop hostility that may be long-lasting. So you have to immerse yourself in all the help you can get. I began seeing a therapist twice a week. I shudder to think what I’d be like if I hadn’t, because I live alone and had no one to talk to. I also attend meetings of the Alzheimer’s Association and its support group. I absolutely recommend this kind of group. You cannot do this alone or you’ll end up not being able to live your own life. I also got tremendous help from reading The 36 Hour Day. It’s a primer for caregivers.
I recommend keeping a journal. After being with my mother I write down what happened, what we talked about, how I’m feeling. It helps me reach another level of spiritual awareness. All my life I’ve had a problem talking about my feelings. But my mother’s illness has brought up so many feelings. I need to understand them. Maybe later I’ll look back in the journal and remind myself how I was dealing with the situation.